April 21, 2020

As I imagine it is in most households, COVID 19 is a frequent topic of conversation, even if just briefly.
I don’t remember what led to the conversation, but during a rather mundane relating of information about the pandemic mom said something along the lines of, “I don’t care if I get it. I’m old. Nobody cares if I die.”
Me: “Well I do!”
And then I had to turn and leave. Tears trickled down my cheeks. One of those cries where your eyes are more invested than your acknowledged feelings, one of those cries that comes unbidden and unwelcome and yet is pure evidence of feelings unable to conceal themselves. I got myself some cereal for breakfast and forced the feelings away.
Mom came in the kitchen and apologized and gave me a hug. It was unnecessary. She’s an adult. She can do what she wants. I just really, really don’t want her to die.

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