December 17, 2019

Snow again this morning. Not as much as yesterday, and I expect it will melt before I’m off work for the morning.
Part-way through my evening shift at work I came out of the room where I work and mom said, “Where’s your sister?”
“At her home,” I replied.
“No, not her. Where’s— (my name)?”
“I’m right here.”
“I’m very confused,” she said.
She hadn’t eaten dinner yet so I offered to get it started. While I was preheating the oven she came in and said she was hungry so I gave her instructions on what to do and went back to work. She seemed less confused.
I didn’t expect to be so emotional about it. Frankly, my biggest fear through all this is that she’ll not know who I am, get scared, and lash out at me. It’s not uncommon for those with Alzheimer’s to get violent. They’re scared, and they think they’re at risk from the stranger standing in front of them, even if that stranger is their daughter or another family member. But tonight she wasn’t scared, just confused, and that made me really, really sad for her. My poor mom. She doesn’t deserve this. She hasn’t earned it. It’s this random awful thing that has happened to her and it’s not fair. No one said life was fair, but does it have to always be so god damned cruel?

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